Hope after Loss

March 19 marks the day, last year,  I saw two pink lines on a pregnancy test. Most get excited, nervous, shocked, but for me it meant that I was at a crossroad. This would end in either a baby, or a loss, as the last 3 had done. Emotions weren't as present as they had been before. Hardly even shock. The only think I could think was 'Lord, can I go through this again?!'

I called my mom, and let Little Man stay with her as I headed towards the doctor's office to get a lab test done. I had gone for infertility before, and was designated as high risk, since I had 3 losses. The last loss had seen me be put on progesterone, and it was imperative for me to get tested as quickly as possible to hopefully keep the little one.

I got the call back that afternoon telling me that my HCG was 12, only 1 more than it had been the last time, when I had lost the last one. My heart sank, with only a glimmer of hope being that my progesterone levels were normal.

I waited 2 days, tested again, and had an agonizing day and a half wait for the results. The office had something going on, which prevented the nurse getting back with me. I was deep in prayer the entire time. I asked God for a 30 (numbers should double in 48 hrs) to give me relief that this pregnancy was 'It'. I asked, and asked, and asked. The day was the longest day ever! 4 pm on a Thursday, while teaching piano I got the call 'Your numbers are normal, you are good to go! We will see you at 9 weeks!' I could hardly contain myself in front of my student. 'What were my numbers?' I shakely asked. '48.' 48! My numbers had quadrupled in 48 hours!! For the first time, in the 2 years since we had been trying, it looked like we might have a baby!

Everything went smoothly. Both my pregnancy and delivery was very easy, especially compared to my son's! The first time I went for an ultrasound was the most emotionally joyful day I had in a long time. I saw a perfectly formed baby and I broke down. After 3 babies in heaven, I thanked the Lord for letting this one stay.

She's here now, and already 3 months old. She's beautiful, and perfect. Definitely worth the wait.

Is there something in your life where it feels as if God has stopped listening? I pray you will understand that He truly is. The timing may not be right, or it may be something He is saying 'no' to, and we must simply understand that we don't understand. I don't understand why I had to lose 3 pregnancies, but I do know this: God is good. Whether it looks like that or not.